I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’ Marc Maron
I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. “Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!” – Ogden Nash You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it! Lewis Black What am I, German?’ Jim GaffiganĮvery year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. O’RourkeĮver wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” – P.J. “There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.
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